Some Whole Wheat Words

And Other Up-Lift

Archive for April 2009

Sandwich Gourmet

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I used to have a girl with whom I’d talk about sandwiches.

“People who really know their sandwiches,” she said, “—sandwich gourmets—always use butter, even if they’re putting mayo on there too.”

Why? I asked. And sandwich gourmets? Really?

“Really. Keeps the bread from getting soggy,” she said.

Nothing worse than a soggy sandwich.


We walked across a dry concrete courtyard. It was indian summer and on campus boys and girls smoked and read books in the colourless sunlight. The grass was still brown and freezerburnt. Geometric 1970s buildings cast mathematical shadows on rounded 1960s buildings.

Days later, the girl decided that what we were doing wouldn’t work. Among other things we no longer would discuss sandwiches. Afterwards I made sandwiches without her input.

2 Slices white bread
Hardened refrigerated margarine

Using cereal spoon, break margarine evenly onto bread. Put sandwich down, half-eaten, and slide it off the plate into the garbage. Leave house.

2 Slices stale springwater rye
1 Discount smoked mackerel fillet

Spread tzatziki on bread, portion with mackerel fillet and cover with tzatziki-spread bread. Eat too many of these until your lips smell like fish and you feel sick. Lay on back, on bed, and look at the ceiling.

2 Toasted whole wheat loaf-ends
Canned anchovy fillets

At breakfast, use fork to dredge fillets through can, gathering oil and salt. Smash fillets into pores of bread. Chew mechanically. Repeat at suppertime.

1 Stale baguette
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar

Bite into baguette, cutting roof of mouth on petrified crust. Recoil. Pour oil into bowl. Add vinegar. Dip baguette in oil to soften. Chew. Feel sting as vinegar meets torn roof of mouth. Take call from father. Talk and finish talking. Snap phone closed, noting time, and place on table. Forget time. Check time again. Finish baguette. Run tongue, slightly acid-burnt, back and forth across bottom row of teeth.

When I was in grade school I had different, smaller teeth and a planner to help me remember things. In the corner of each page there was a quote from someone like Margaret Thatcher, telling me to be more opinionated or stating truisms. Some pages had facts:

Did You Know: Smiling takes x fewer muscles than frowning.

The implication is that smiling is justifiable even to someone who closely rations their muscle-energy. By maintaining a positive aspect they will save y(x), where y is a number of calories per facial muscle per exertion.

I have found that making no facial expression of any kind carries the lowest energy cost. To further save energy, I keep my eyes focused beyond the faces of the people I pass, and take no interest in my surroundings. I imagine a number of white sinusoidal lines slowly drifting over a field of grey (R:34.9; G:31.0; B:30.2). Efficiency is my goal.


Written by wholewheatwords

April 10, 2009 at 10:15 pm

Posted in Uncategorized