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Today’s Wisdom

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Hello, Dear Readers (or, should I say “Deer Readers?” ha! You’ll see in a second! Wait for it! You’re the best!), and welcome back to Joe’s Blog. I am your host, Joseph Yachimec, and it is Sunday. Do you know what that means? I do: it’s time for Today’s Wisdom. I am excited and aroused to begin, but before we start, I want to address a problem that I was posed recently by a concerned reader.

Dear (Deer! There I go again!) Joe, he wrote, I like very much you’re blog especially you’re scenes that feature sad young people. They are good and please keep writing them in you’re own special way. I am doing good and I also don’t like complaining but here it is: I have a complaint. When the nurse reads to me I like to make pictures in my head and one of my favorite types of pictures is imagining what the person looks like that wrote what the nurse is reading. You’re name is Joe but since you never say what you look like too much sometimes I think that you look like the nurse, and a woman named Joe talking about liking girls or a man named Joe with a funny lady’s voice and big veins on his legs would be just plain weird and maybe more. So I have a complaint or a request and here it is: please tell me what you look like so that I can imagine you reading instead of the nurse because I feel bad about thinking about a man with a funny lady’s voice and veins, that’s weird.

Sorry about complaining,
Robert Frumm.

Robert, I stand over seven feet tall and I have a long white beard. I often dress in flowing silk robes, which were made especially for me by my passionate, dusky Spanish seamstress. I have been educated at a University, and I will tell you as many times as I need to. Tucked behind my left ear is an ivory pen, and occasionally will pull out a notebook from my golden sash and write in it with the pen, muttering “brilliant, brilliant.” If people ask me a question, sometimes I ignore them for twenty seconds just to show them what’s what. My eyes are piercing, like coals, but hard and flinty, like chips of mountain-slate, but full of kindness. I smell like knowledge.

No sad young people today, Deer Robert. Only wisdom. I want you to close your eyes and think of me sitting on my plinth, surrounded by flowers, basking in a shaft of lucky sunlight. Ignore this nurse’s voice and focus on the words. To the nurse: this part should be read softly, and low, with a hint of sexiness and regret at things missed on the path to knowledge. Not too much regret, though.

Today’s wisdom comes from Advanced Rut Hunting: Strategies for Taking Whitetails During Prime Time, which I’m sure everyone is familiar with. It had been on my reading list for several years, one of those classics I’d heard a lot about and I’d just sort of nodded knowingly when people brought it up after dinner.

Then I saw it in the window of a bookshop as Espritu and I made our way to the Silk Store, and I had to pick it up. I had assumed it would be one of those books, maybe that when you are told are great, are in actuality awful. Or you are told that they are awful, but they turn out to be great. Wrong! The book was neither: it was great.

I’ve had some difficulty summing it up, so I’ll quote from the ‘blurb.

Whitetail rut behavior and the hunting strategies that take it into account have come a long way in the past thirty years… We can translate and decipher deer vocalizations and language… and much more.

Still, one thing remains the same: The rut is a time for hope and big dreams– that the biggest buck in the woods will be so preoccupied with chasing does that he’ll finally make the mistake that brings him into range. This is the dream. It is a little bit like high school.

Chapters include:

Hitting The Rut Right

S-L-O-W Stalking The Rut

Climb High For Rutting Bucks

Romance: The Rut Stalker’s Best Ally

Sure-Cure for the Post-Rut Blues

A Sham In The Deer Woods

Follow Your Does

Tenderness

And much more. Now, Robert, settle back into your pallet or use your bedpan, whatever, I’ll wait. Wisdom is coming, exploding like unto a double shot of bong water in the stomach of a gullible frat-boy. Whoosh!

Rudimentary fawn-bleating calls have been on the market for a number of years, although it was Harold Knight and David Hale– founders of the famous Knight & Hale Game Call Company– who pioneered the development of a fawn call that was far superior to anything previously available. But their fawn-bleating call came about quite by accident.

“Over the years we had recieved numerous requests from coyote hunters for a call that would bring the predators in close,” Harold Knight explained. “Since young deer play a major role in the diets of coyotes, we collected tape recordings of actual deer bleating sounds from a fawn that was caught in a fence. Then we designed a call to duplicate those bleating sounds.”

“Yet disappointed coyote hunters began complaining to us,” according to David Hale. “They said the call brought in more deer than anything else! That gave birth to our EZ-Deer Bleat Call.”

Curiously enough, the Lohman Manufacturing Company, another producer of quality-made calls, also experienced a unique twist during the development of its Deer Bleat Call.

“In our case,” Brad Harris says, “hunters everywhere are having terrific success calling in deer, but those hunters living west of the Mississippi are enjoying an added bonus in that their use of the Deer Bleat Call is also bringing in antelope!”

Antelope! Did you remember to find the Wisdom? I did, and I’ll be disappointed with you if you didn’t.

Now Espiritu is calling me downstairs for Ice Cream Paella. I must go, Deer Readers, but until we meet again,

Stay Wise!

Written by wholewheatwords

June 24, 2007 at 6:40 pm

Posted in bile, fucking around, lies